~ piRanHa
7:02 p.m.
Friday. January 25. 2008.
A moment in a day of the life of just another nobody striving to become somebody. Fingers, cold. Gut, hungry. Mouth, dry. In a hurry. Rushed, but yawning. Feeling trapped, but inspired (or is it inspired, but trapped?). Why does the caged bird sing? How do you know it’s singing? Maybe it’s just making noise. Just like me, now. Type-type-type, click-click-click. Words on a screen, just making noise. Polluting digital real estate on a free account. I call this blogging? I don’t know what to call it. Hon-est-ly. I wanted to get an entry in, that’s all.
7:09 p.m. That went fast. I’m running out of time. Got a work assignment in 10 minutes? 15 minutes? I’m always late anyway. My heart is racing, but I’m already over the finish line. Tape broken. Heart. Open and oozing simmering toxic chemical emotions. Meltdown. The glass is half full — but leaking. I’m reaching out but you can’t feel me. Nowhere near me you won’t hear me so when you do get back I’m all collapsed ashamed and pleading for your kiss.
Now it has come to this. My confession. Locked in my throat. Choking me. I can barely breathe. Oxygen. I reach for the glass, half-empty and cracked and sticky. Here’s the truth to set you free. You never knew me. You never knew me. Meet the new me. Soon I’m gone.
On to my assignment now. Too many piranha in this stream of consciousness.
February 13, 2008 at 5:23 am
Still on your assignment? Long time no write
February 19, 2008 at 5:39 am
Aha, so here you are…trust me, your fans will remain fans and we’ll find ya’!
Your writings never really solve things…I don’t suppose you mean to solve anything…but what your writings do are shed light,…they provoke and they make the reader AWARE that they aren’t aware enough. You have a problem with insomnia and isn’t it ironic, what you do is highlight the fact most of us are never quite awake enough, were always asleep…too unaware of our beingn-ess, in this moment in time. Your writing is rather quite zen-like. Did you ever see it that way? Sometimes it takes someone else to point out what should be so obvious to us!
pr aka michele
February 20, 2008 at 1:27 am
Hi, Michelle ~
I’m so glad you found me here, finally. I missed you.
I have never thought of my writing as zen-like, except that maybe the process itself is zen-like. I don’t know how readers will interpret the final product after I’ve posted it; I used to get sad if they didn’t “get it” exactly the way I hoped. Now I don’t worry so much, as long as they get something out of it.
I seem bound to certain themes, no matter how much I try to escape them. I really can’t sleep, and maybe it’s because the same things keep eating at me. Or maybe my writing is affected by this lifestyle of always being awake all night, and having nobody but myself to talk to.
February 20, 2008 at 9:56 am
Your writings have always been one of my secret indulgences…that and Almond Rocha! And I only read them in the wee hours. I’m not up as much during the night to do so and I just can’t bring myself to read your words when the sun is up! Kinda’ like Dracula or something, huh? Anyway, back to the zen-niness of your writing (I’m allowed to make up words at 4:30 in the morning! My rule!) Writing your stories can be a zen-like experience! You are sitting there, getting in touch with your inner self. I’m sitting here going within as I read your various posts.
Expounding on what I talked about last night, when I read your words, perhaps it’s because of the late hour and the vibe one feels at such an early hour…maybe it’s the glass of wine I’m sipping on? But whatever the case, I feel like I’m reading somebodies diary! So it’s like I’m doing something I shouldn’t!
I’ve really tried to force myself into a more normal schedule for the sake of my relationship, as you probably know, being a nite owl when your partner is a normal day time person can cause problems if you indulge in your weakness, problem, normal pattern (whatever you want to call it.) At first it wasn’t easy…it took about a month. Now I take a hot bath, drink some red wine (I HATE IT, but it’s good for me and it helps me sleep) and I put on my ipod and fall asleep to vatious talk shows or books on tape etc.. Some nights it works, some nights the haunting, magical hours call me. The fiance is away for a week and since I don’t have to work, I can indeed indulge in MY normal pattern!
Which led me to finding you! I had to wind my way to you but hey, I’m here.
I think it’s normal, what you say about how you used to have feelings hurt when people didn’t immediately understand where you were coming from! I think with age and experience, we come to realize what THEY think really doesn’t matter. I used to be the same way about my choreography (as a dance teacher)…when I was was young I was especially sensitive to how others would think of my steps, my song choice, my use of the stage, my choice of costumes. But by the time I was at the end of my run as dance teacher I was more confident and I really understood that if you try to please everyone…..you know the rest. Dance was my passion, my life so when people voiced any kind of dislike or confusion about my objective, I took it very personally! But the older I got, the less I let what they thought interfere with what I had in mind. I came to know a peace about it and it felt good.
And also, when we care that much, it’s our ego talking saying…LIKE ME, I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME AND GET ME! It’s so hard tho’ sometimes, to push ego aside, isn’t it.
After reading just about all your writings, I can’t help but think to myself that you have something in common with a couple of other writers I’ve read,…T.S. Eliot, Franz Kafka….in your writings I get such a sense of loneliness and alienation. I sense a troubled soul. I don’t see you really comfortable in any situation. I don’t get the sense that you are happy with any one fellow adult. I feel like you are searching for a “home” that just isn’t in existence for you AT THIS TIME and your search has been a long one. You express it with such intelligence and humaneness. Just like these other authors, you simply highlight to the rest of us what we need to see with more clarity but are too busy, too “veiled” too shrouded to see what we need to see to become more aware, more enlightened. Your writing helps us get there if we take the time to read it and let it sink in. Unfortunately with so many wonderful writers, they can help others to “get there” but they can’t seem to help themselves.
*this tiny font is killing me!!! Excuse all typos!*
Is any of this striking a chord with you…or am I just talking out my a**??
I hope I’m making SOME sense.
In regards to your last paragraph….your writings are an expression of you and the hours in which you write (it’s a fact, there are different biorhythms happening at 4am vs. 4pm!!) BUT your writing, in my humble opinion is also simply a reflection of what is going on in your world. It’s a reflection of what’s going on physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
And yes, having no one to talk to night after night doesn’t help…..
O.k., I’m going to call it a nite….but I leave you with the consolation that your writings do provoke…”as long as they get something out of it.” So it’s not like you are writing into the void. Not with me anyway. I can’t speak for anyone else.
Guess you couldn’t do anything to bump up the font size???
If not, it’s o.k., I’ll suck it up!
Rubble…aka pr…aka Michele AGAIN, X-CUSE ALL TYPOS..I can hardly see what I’m typing!
February 21, 2008 at 6:07 am
Hey, Michelle ~ sorry about the small letters. I’d change that, if i knew how.
{{ After reading just about all your writings, I can’t help but think to myself that you have something in common with a couple of other writers I’ve read,…T.S. Eliot, Franz Kafka….in your writings I get such a sense of loneliness and alienation. I sense a troubled soul. I don’t see you really comfortable in any situation. I don’t get the sense that you are happy with any one fellow adult. I feel like you are searching for a “home” that just isn’t in existence for you AT THIS TIME and your search has been a long one. You express it with such intelligence and humaneness. }}
I cannot disagree with what you see, Michelle. Though I’m sure I don’t feel lost and alone ALL the time, my writing seems to come from a part of me that does. Perhaps it’s an endless battle to square up things that are, and always will be, unresolved in my life. Or it used to be. Now when I write, I am not so interested in finding the solution as I am in depicting some lost soul who is searching for that answer, or is on the verge of giving up the search. I feel like that is the place a lot of people are at, especially at my age. Caught between the dreams, and terrible mistakes, of one’s youth while facing some kind of future that you’ll either make one last stand against, or just let yourself be resigned to.
Of course, most of us don’t consciously choose, either way. The little battles come to us, we do our best to survive them, and then we gradually settle back into some aimless existence, only admitting how adrift we are in those lonesome times when we can’t sleep, or crave warmth when there’s nobody around to get it from. Falling in love (or lust, maybe?) is like an elixir that makes us feel renewed and vital again, but it only lasts for a while. If you don’t lose the lover, maybe you lose the feeling, or the other person loses the feeling, and again you’re left wondering if you should scramble for something better, or just let it ride.
Gosh. I’m getting so depressing! But I think there’s something to all of this. I really believe it’s healthy to be just a bit naive, because if we lose that, it’s almost impossible to get it back, and to get back the precious sense of possibility that came with it.
Too bad we can’t share that wine, huh?
~ B.
February 21, 2008 at 6:53 am
I don’t want to ever lose ALL of my naivete’…..I think sometimes it’s what’s helped me get through some of life’s challenges. It’s like after you learn there is no Santa Claus…life is sadly, never the same but if somewhere, deep inside yourself, there can remain the idea that there STILL IS a Santa Claus,….then life seems a bit more joyous and hope-filled. And after all, what IS life, without hope? And you know what else I think? I think Brian, that one day you, like Albert Camus, will find that in the depth of winter, there is an invincible summer! No, don’t you EVER lose your naivete! Keep believing in Santa even when the WORLD tells you he doesn’t exist. I’m going to…. *cheers!*….(blech, I hate red….give me a nice chilled white and NOW were talking!) *smile*
m.
PS) FINE, MAKE me wear my reading glasses! 1:53am, over and out…….
February 21, 2008 at 7:52 am
PS) OMG…I thought I was the only one in the world that hated DMB!!! I won’t even allow fiance to play it while I’m in the car. (I don’t usually nix things like that but I can’t stomach him!!! My DMB Lover can’t understand why I don’t like him. It’s that voice—something grating about it. Rubs me the wrong way!
I’ve just glossed over some of your old posts and I missed a lot of funny stuff along the way….you can be funny! Witty even! LOL….(where’s those damned emoticons when you need ‘em!)
And thanks again for wishing me a happy birthday last year…so sorry I didn’t see it until October. I felt special none-the-less.
*hey, how are your eyes lately? Reading the post about your eye surgery made me feel bad that I had even complained about this small print….my bad.*
…..sip., sluurrpp……(wine’s done)
Well,…that’s it for the nite….the President of the Mr. Last Light (or last “night” as some bloggers thought you were calling yourself…) Fan Club is out of here fer real….sleep in 4…3….2….1